Billy, You Are My Hero

Last night, I went with some friends to see "Pan's Labyrinth." Whether or not the special effects, costumes and make-up were totally badass and scream inducing-ly disgusting is not important (they were.) Whether or not I enjoyed my experience of seeing this movie on the big screen is not important (I did.) What's important is actually what happened BEFORE the movie even started. The sold-out crowd was hell and I stood in that line for a good hour, during a Minnesota winter's night, to get inside. There was a man behind me (who held the fucking door open during the Minnesota winter's night), watching some animation on his i-pod. I judged this man because we were in a public place, he was standing with some lady friend, we were about to go watch some animation/hardcore cgi technology, and he couldn't seperate himself FROM his animation and technology for one moment. But then...when I came home tonight I checked my email while sitting on the shitter, so really, who am I to judge?

The crowd was hell blahblahblahblah. The bitch who sat behind me wouldn't shut-up during the whole movie blahblahblahblah. I totally teared up during the preview for "The Namesake" blahblahblahblah. But none of this matters...none of this EVEN matters...BECAUSE of who came out to introduce "Pan's Labyrinth."

Doug Jones

Yeah...the name didn't ring a bell with me. In the beginning, when he first came onto the stage in front of the screen, it just annoyed the shit out of me because it was already a half hour after the movie was supposed to start, I was still cold and that bitch behind me was beginning to irritate me. But then Doug Jones said he was playing the faun in tonight's movie so I thought that was pretty cool. BUT THEN Doug Jones said what we might remember him from: Hellboy (uhhh...no) OR BILLY BUTCHERSON FROM HOCUS POCUS!!!!!



When he proclaimed that absolute awesomeness, I made this strange OOOO-AH yelp like Al Pacino circa "Scent of a Woman" was getting fingered in the bungholeular area. And then I sorta started clapping and rocking in my seat, and Matt looks over at me in almost-mock embarrassment and lectures, "Alexa, we are in public."

FUCK THAT! IT'S BILLY BUTCHERSON FROM HOCUS POCUS A MERE HALF MOVIE THEATRE IN FRONT OF ME!







Okay, now I feel the necessity to make a disclaimer. Hocus Pocus is not anywhere near my favorite movie of all time. I recognize it's early 90's lameness and ridiculousness and horrible script-ness. BUT I watched this movie every year on Halloween, for several years, even to the point of actually purchasing it when it was checked out at Blockbuster. So yes, I own Hocus Pocus. Yes, it's actually in my current movie collection up here in Minneapolis. Yes, I've watched it within the past two years. Yes, the nancy boy lead in it refers to boobs as "yabbos." Yes, besides starring Sarah Jessica Parker, Bette Midler and Kathy Najimy, it ALSO stars a young Thora Birch, "pre-boobs" as this friend of a friend referred to tonight upon hearing of my celeb sighting. YES THIS MOVIE ALSO SOMEHOW (quasi) ROCKS IN MY MIND!

Ohhhh...what a night. I've seen Doug Jones do the Billy Butcherson dance IN THE FLESH. Who else can actually say that?

Pre-awesome in my apartment

My Roommate Jim's Dinner


Rooooooar


Mattie playing Bruce's "Land of Hope & Dream's"


It was a good night. Magical, shall we say.

In other news, Morgie called me today because she clogged her toilet with "a massive poo." She called me because she had thought of me when she clogged her toilet with this massive poo. That's friendship, people. Let's just say it reminded her of a time...or two...or three...when I clogged HER toilet in bygone days. Tonight, on the bus, I saw some guy, who had to have been under sixty years old, carrying a bag of adult diapers. I just sat there in the seat behind him, staring at the back of his head and too-rosy-to-be-sober cheeks, thinking that I now know this guy probably shits in his pants uncontrollably (or contrallably...my now wouldn't THAT be an interesting turn of events?!?!) What does THIS guy know about ME?!?!? Nothing. Life really is a slippery slope of shit. Then I realized I had been thinking far too long about HIS bowel movements and started thinking of...

It was a good night. Massive, shall we say.