Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Alexa Jones

So...everyone has done it. If you haven't done it, you are either a lying sack of sh*t or over the age of 50. And if you are reading this blog, then you've done it. Don't lie to me. Cyber me knows everything. You've definitely done it.

Google searched your own name.

When you google search "Alexa Jones", four people of note will be presented to you.

1) Me, a photographer and Springsteen obsessee: naturally
2) Private Escort: Not me
3) Fire-fighter by day/Porn Star by night: Not me

And finally...

4) Miss f*cking Alabama in the 2006 Miss America pageant: SO not me

I sort of resented number four for tarnishing the good name of 1 thru 3...until this happened...

A few days ago, I logged into my yahoo and found this gem in my own personal inbox:

Hello Alexa Jones,
My name is Alexis ******. I am 13 years old, and in the 8th grade at ***** Middle School, in ********** Alabama. First off, I would like to say that you are, without a doubt, my role model. I know you are from Andalusia Alabama, because my dad is from there, and of course my grandparents still live there. So on a trip down to Andalusia, I saw a sign with your picture on it and how you are from Andalusia and you've won pageants. Well, I have been in 10 pageants myself, and (not to bragg) have won 8 out of 10. So I thought that was just awesome to know that a true beauty queen from a little town in Alabama has gotten so far.
Then I later on found out that you do the news on TV too. Now that just blew my mind. Because one day I hope to go to Auburn and get a broadcasting dergree, and be on the news, just like you.
It has always been my dream to be Miss America, and be on the news. I think it is so awesome that we have so much in common. Not only are our names kind of alike, but we both are from Alabama, and we want the same things. One day I hope to be just like you. You are amazing.

Here is a picture of me winning my school pageant. Just so you can see who I am.
Alexis ******
P.S. Please write back.

And THIS picture was most definitely attached:

Yes, I pooped my pants laughing when I saw this. And...Uhhh...yes, I did photoshop the charmingly realistic face into the shot (believe it or not.) I also refrained from keeping any REALLY specific info in the email (she may be the living reincarnation of Jon Benet but she doesn't deserve to be spewed all over the internet...at least not this year.) Besides my stars, that email is exactly as is, spelling mistakes and all.

I felt like no little girl who just emailed her idol deserves to be left hanging. And, PUHLEASE, this was just a perfect opportunity. While I wanted really to write "Oh you've GOT to be effin' kidding me, princess, I ain't no effin' beauty queen!", this was my reply:

Dear Alexis,

I just wanted to let you know that you have emailed the wrong Alexa Jones. I am not now nor was I ever a Miss America contestant. I am a 26 year old girl who lives in Minneapolis and loves music (you've got to check out Bruce Springsteen), photography (especially at the many concerts I attend), the arts in general (I've been involved in really awesome theatre and dance productions), writing, traveling, inspiration, education and wiener dogs. I've never won any swimsuit contests but I have the most amazing family, friends and life stories. Happiness comes in many forms. I hope that someday I'll influence someone like your Alexa Jones has influenced you. Good luck finding your idol!

Alexa Jones

Oh Alexis SixStars, I hope you realize that there is more than one type of Alexa Jones out there.

Oh yeah. On a mind-blowing fantastic final note...

When you write the song (and we know you will), get the name right. It's Alexa. And don't forget the Jones.

I am writing THE song, b*tches!


Anonymous said...

Ha! That is actually pretty awesome. I'm glad you emailed something nice back to her :) Keep us posted if she responds back!


steve said...


bkennedy said...

I imagine little Alexis was quite disappointed to have found you instead. Had it been me, I would have fucked with the little girl and told her she was too ugly to ever become Miss America.

m said...

Seriously, what is with the south and their love of pageants?

That was a nice email that you sent her - you could have so messed with her.


Also, don't forget that yours truly is Little Miss Liberty 1985! So pageant winners aren't all bad :)

Anonymous said...

WHAT A BITCH! The REAL Alexa Jones is a badass who would knock your disgusting yellow teeth right through the back of your head....

btw, Springsteen SUcks!

Anonymous said...

You seem like one extremely bitter liberal bitch.

Anonymous said...

The Alexa Jones Alexis meant to send the e-mail to is incredibly talented and driven. However, her most beautiful quality is her intelligence! She is a morning news anchor for CBS in Birmingham, Alabama. She graduated at the top of her class from Birmingham Southern University, a liberal arts university. She danced prima with the Alabama Ballet. She created and is the driving force behind an organization that funds and supports the arts across the state of Alabama. Sounds to me like you two would actually get along nicely!