I am a deaf girlshund named Vinny.

Doppleganger-ness is a precious connection. There are best friends. There are lovers (I hate that word incidentally...it's too fucking 17th century sappy...and it reminds me of the erotica I read in Junior High...Lady Chatterly's Lover and The Story of O defined my extraordinarily awkward adolescent years.) And there are dopplegangers. They are you in a different generation (Tabatha from New Hampshire), in a different country (Laura from Barcelona), in a different species (Vinny from Tucson.)

Interspecial Connection: Alexa Jones & Vinny Babarino.

Vinny Babarino is one of the stars in the upcoming documentary blockbuster-in-my-mind "Wiener Takes All." He's me in wiener dog form. And here's why...

Vinny's Bio from my current porn site http://www.wienertakesall.com/ :

"VITAL STATS
Vinny Babarino Aman
Home: Tucson, AZ
DOB: 5/8/04
Coat: Tan Smooth
Height: 16 inches , Length: 24 inches
Weight: 19 lbs

Vinny's a real challenger for the championship - he packs a jaw-dropping acceleration which leaves his competition eating dust. Unfortunately he's got the mental focus of Mr. Magoo, and at races, he's very easily distracted. Can Vinny pay attention long enough to make it to the Wiener Nationals? Coach Paul Aman can only hope..."

Mental focus of Mr. Magoo...very easily distracted...jaw-dropping...wiener...eating...IT'S ME!

"Explosive speed + zero attention span = wild card. He has what it takes - if he can concentrate..."

Vinny, we are brethren. We are one.

I've loved wiener dogs dearly since eighth grade when I actually uttered the phrase "I can't decide which dog I'll someday own, a wiener dog or a dachshund, because both of those breeds are really cute." Oh how far I've come in knowledge of the dachshund...But at the time my family had a terrier who had chronic yeast infections, so we didn't need another in-door dog, and then I went away to college, and then I moved out on my own. And, because of the wee bit of time I actually spend at home, it would be absolutely unfair for any dog to be in my care. Because it's pretty damn unfair for ME to be in my care right now.

As a whole, I relate to wiener dogs because they are ridiculous looking, quasi-ADD-ridden, hyper little beasts, with so much personality that at the same time you love them so dearly, you also want to stomp their skull in. Check this gem out and pay special attention to the 2:17 on mark...



Hardcore.

Seriously...that little shit is HILARIOUS! (Is it wrong that I teared up from laughing so hard?) He's so lost and wants so badly to please. I can see that desire and in his little eyes. I can see it because I see it so well within myself. But the little turd also seems slightly retarded. And when I was a wee babe, the doctors DID have to give me a CAT scan because I had a big head and couldn't walk. So whatever...I just relate.

(Sidenote: I went to the Kansas City Wiener Dog Races with Morgie/Imaginary Sea a few years ago. And there were that many mullets and camel-toes. It's fucking Missouri. And it's Euphoria. I laughed so hard that I wept. And there was a giant room FULL of wiener dogs. I just stood there, in my turquoise button down shirt that was covered in art deco wiener dogs, and soaked in the joy.)

Oh Vinny, someday we'll make it, little buddy. You and I, we'll show the world what we can do. We'll run and we'll yell and oh look a crumb.



Last night, Vinny took an excursion to First Ave for Best New Bands of '06. Vinny had two enormous bottles of Red Stripe. Vinny got very drunk off of said Red Stripes. Vinny can count the number of times on one hand he has gotten drunk off of beer. Vinny loved Maria Isa and The Alarmists. Vinny is having trouble learning how to use the amazing new Canon Rebel XT in lowlight/concert situations.






Vinny also tried to figure out his new camera while sitting on the toilet at First Ave, which is, though he stayed within the realm of his own stall and the view of downtown Minneapolis out the stall window, still creepy on so many levels.




Then Vinny made a quasi-asshole out of himself.

Vinny had conversation with a similarly drunken David de Young of www.howwastheshow.com.

Vinny, very excited that David recognized him because Vinny respects David and all his work for Minnesota local music so very much, shook hands with him. David said something. Vinny agreed. David said something else. Vinny laughed and agreed again. This happened between David and Vinny about five more times. Then David left and Vinny turned to his friends and said...

"I have no idea what he just said to me."

"Seriously what? You couldn't hear"

"Yeah I just pretended to hear because I felt like a dumbass that I couldn't hear a fucking word."

"Man...I wonder what he said."

"I know," Vinny barked.

Here's the deal...Vinny wears ear plugs to most of the shows he goes to but still has really bad hearing when there is so much distraction and loud background noise. Because...you know...something shiny goes by and Vinny has too look. A fucking rock band jams out behind him and Vinny can't hear shit. Vinny wasn't about to play the what...What...WHAT game with David deYoung. But seriously...it's actually been bugging Vinny...

WHAT DID DAVID SAY?!??

It could have been anything from "I remember you from that Dance Band show where that strung out asshole cracked his head open and blood started pouring out" to "Vinny, here's what you should do with your life. You should..." to "I just shit my pants and it smells really bad."

Sigh...Vinny will never know.

Oh VINNY…



Our pals really do love us in spite of ourselves…




I know all this because Vinny told me. In my daydream, we chat daily as he cuddles up against me and naps in the nook of my tummy. Vinny and I, the distracted team that has all the potentional in the world, treasure our moments when we can truly relax. Goodnight and sweet doggie dreams.