I'm not dead.

But Shaly Sha, my sweet little lady with the angelic voice and those innocent eyes as vast as that pearly moon, will be dead when I get my mits on her.

Sunday night, at rehearsal when I was describing something strange about printing off an email I had sent to myself, I had a massive epiphany.

"Hey everyone. Yeah...it was sort of weird cause, when I printed off the email from myself, there were lyrics at the bottom. I don't know why."

But then I realized that I do know why.

I have had one of THE MOST fantastic practical jokes ever played on me.

Let me start by saying this...if any of you have received an email from me in the past...oh...I don't...THREE WEEKS...it included a signature that was not my own, never conceived by me, nor my idea.

Yes. I enjoy Kelly Clarkson as a guilty pleasure. I think she's a lot of fun. I'd actually go see her in concert. But I CERTAINLY don't love her enough to include her song lyrics as a yahoo email signature. I don't even KNOW how to create yahoo signatures.

But Shaly Sha does. And when I asked her to check my email three weeks ago while I was at work, that sweet little lady got me back. BIG TIME. for every perverted email or myspace blog I've ever posted when she asked me to check her email or her myspace. I guess sending old professors/mentors emails that say "Man Gary I just realized I really love fucking goats" from your friends accounts really ISN'T a good idea. Or posting blogs about how I, Alisha Speilmann" am such a bitch isn't such a good idea either.

I made her promise me to not send any emails out from my account. I thought she probably would cause that's what we always do. But when she called me back and told me she really hadn't, and I checked my sent folder and realized she really hadn't I did think it was a bit odd.

Touche Shaly Sha, brilliant move my dear friend, I will end you.

Because Alisha Rose Spielmann put this as a signature to my emails.

"Breakaway"
by Kelly Clarkson

I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly
I'll do what it takes til' I touch the sky
And I'll make a wish
Take a chance
Make a change
And breakaway
Out of the darkness and into the sun
But I won't forget all the ones that I love
I'll take a risk
Take a chance
Make a change
And breakaway

How do I know it was she?, one might say. Well...let me just reveal that Miss Clarkson and her tunes are quite an inside joke between Shaly Sha and myself which date back to an afternoon in New York City when I sat and listened to Miss Shaly Sha belt her heart out.

What lies behind those hazel eyes?, Kelly might ask. Well I have discovered what lies behind Shaly's hazel eyes...PURE EVIL!

I can't be mad at the fact that I have sent dozens of emails to a vast spectrum of people (thank god no potential employers) because it really is a perfect practical joke. I would never have known had I not sent the email to myself so I could print it.

It's so perfect that I think I'll take a risk, A CHANCE EVEN, and break away Shaly Sha's head from her body.

This is war, my dear friend. WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR!

Gird your loins, Shaly Sha. Cause Kelly is out to KILLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!