Hearts n' Farts n' Crafts

I am single and ready to mingle.

Short of a couple blips, I have been single for a long time. A long long time. A long long long time.

Anna says she just can't think of anyone cool enough.

Uhhh...I'm not really cool...at all...but it's a nice thought.

I almost made out with my hand the other day.

But here's the deal...

I may have an extraordinarily cynical outer shell. I may hate PDAs. I may scoff and poke fun. I may mean it.

In real internal reality...

I am actually one giant vagina of romantic hope and excitement.

Seriously...slap some music on it and I'll probably cry...list my fantasies out and my grandparents will definitely cry.

I'm only twenty fucking five. I'm not worried about dying alone. Yet.

Soon to be twenty six...well not until May but for Jonesie that's soon enough to start planning my usual week of birthday extravaganza...did you know that it ONLY costs $250 to rent a hotel room next to the water park??!??!?!

Plus Momma Jones sent me some totally badass hotpink heart jewelry to wear tomorrow.

I surround myself with love. It only takes a real moment around me to see that.

Just like Davey and Holway on Friday were surronded by tits and ass from the Playboy Memory Computer Game at the bar in Northfield...





Yeah, even though I hardly played at all, they were definitely entering my name into the winners section. Sweet Playboy juices will be mine for all of eternity.

Jonesie is surrounded by love.

In honor of VD Day...

TOP TEN LOVES FOR FEBRUARY 14th, 2007

In no particular order...

10) The kickass Bday present I got my Madzie: a mini hookah, apple flavored tobacco, two chocolate bars & a box of evening tea...Our Thursday night Grey's Anatomy gathering is going to be quite an adventure this time round.

9) From www.showusyourwiener.com...






8) Seriously...watch all of this...



Uhhh...you can bet your nads I cried buckets during this. Also, forced to decide (you know, during wartime or a good game of Would You Rather?), I would totally do beast over man. Mostly because Skidboot rules and that cowboy is a tool.

7) Local Musicians & Their (somewhat) Recent Albums that KICKASS! Obsessions of the week...


http://www.myspace.com/markmallman
fav song of week: Death Wish


http://www.myspace.com/stookmusic
fav song of week: One Blue Teardrop

6) The lyrics to Bruce's "Incident on 57th Street" (One of) My favorite, tragic love song(s)...it's all about the siren at the end.

Spanish Johnny drove in from the underworld last night
With bruised arms and broken rhythm in a beat-up old Buick
But dressed just like dynamite
He tried sellin' his heart to the hard girls over on Easy Street
But they sighed "Johnny it falls apart so easy and you know hearts these days are cheap"
And the pimps swung their axes and said "Johnny you're a cheater."
Well the pimps swung their axes and said "Johnny you're a liar"
And from out of the shadows came a young girl's voice said: "Johnny don't cry"
Puerto Rican Jane, oh won't you tell me what's your name.

That final line of that section...one of my top five Bruce lyrics of all time.

5) WE GOT A FRINGE FEST SHOW! There will be dancing! There will be video (there has to be...we are in visual fringe!) There will be stories! There will be Jonesie making an amazing a-hole out of herself onstage. YAY!

4) Coffee beans...be it covered in dark chocolate or pressed all cold like or all french like...I love you.


What's up lady biznasty looking coffee bean?


I'd drink even if the wiener dog whizzed in the mug.

3) My sister, who I don't talk to very often, has been calling me every evening for the past few days. She's having a lot of trouble with an undeserving friend of hers. Natalie left a distressed message today and ended with "I just need some good Alexa time. I love you. Call me." Oh...how I love her back.




2) Man I love pooping at work. Seriously...I sit there an extra long time and think...I'm getting paid right now to poop...oh you damn Department Store...this one's for you.

1) Pappy (my college mentor/second father) once told me "Alexa, I know that when you find the person you are meant to be with, you will be really happy." Though my mother soon followed that lovely memory with "Alexa, are you screwed up in relationships because of what you've seen your father and me go through?", I still believe in the good.


Just imagine what naughty lingerie she picked out for her special someone...grrrrr....

Happy Valentine's Day Everyone!

How to Experience Awkward Awareness Day

I'm gonna tell you what's real awkward.

Running into a guy that blew you off two years ago. You went out a couple times. You got a little touchy touchy feely feely. He said he'd call when he got back from the North. And you never heard from him again.

So tonight you walk into a bar to hear a band you really love. One of the openers is a band he really loves. You remember that. Wouldn't it be funny if you saw him at the bar? You think that. You are standing there watching that band he really loves and all of a sudden he walks by. You don't say anything but your roommate will grab your arm because even she knows it's him. You have no idea if he really saw you. Hopefully cause you're dressed in a really cute, colorful outfit. And your hair looks good. So maybe he did and he felt awkward, too. Cause it's really not all that funny.

Whatever, it was a long time ago and, even though you liked him, he obviously didn't like you enough. Cause, you know, when he said "I'll call you when I get back from Duluth" what he actually meant was "Duluth is where I'm going to die." You deserved to be really liked.

But you really are over it. Cause it was two dates and you aren't psychotic. You're just a little awkward.

Drinks & Dinner at Chino Latino with your Roommate Badonkles circa Pre Awkward




These Modern Socks at The Uptown Bar circa Awkward










And now I'm going to enlighten you with four realities to help you overcome the awkwardness:

1) The New Yorker is not appropriate bathroom reading material. Cause you'll finish up and then all of a sudden it will be twenty minutes later and you are still sitting on the shitter reading the David Sedaris article. US Weekly is the perfect bathroom reading material because short snipets about just how much of a loser Kevin Federline is never get old. Never. Plus they have so many bright shiny pictures of Angelina Jolie looking distressed over the fact that she is losing touch of her bitch/her husband.

2) The Birchwood Cafe is a really peaceful place. And Chipmunk is a really cool person (though she thinks it looks like creepy muthafucka Billy from Six Feet Under is gonna pop through that window in this picture.) And that Ghandi's alright, too.



3) Darren Jackson of Kid Dakota is amazing (as is the drummer, Ian Prince, but Darren is the institution...much like Raven Simone is the institution of Cheetah Girls.) Though the band conjurs a bitter memory, it's beautiful and the Star Song will always make you cry.

Wednesday Night at The Triple Rock Social Club








4) You apparently live in a harem.



Who knew?