Well, there they are...the new members of Marah. No more Adam, Kirk & Dave P. Wanna know what else...those are MY pictures of Dave & Serge...which when I saw on their web-site last night produced a mix of excitement and disgust (heightened cause I was dead tired.) Cause wanna know what else...THEY NEVER ASKED IF THEY COULD USE THEM! MARAH?!?!! Come on guys...that's not right. You KNOW that's not right. Just ask me. I'm not a stranger. I've met and partied and stayed up all night with you (this excludes the newbies...who will have personalities and voices to me soon enough.) I just dealt with your break-up right before a much needed Minneapolis show and then I see my photos on a poster with the new members...and you didn't ask. Bands and musicians ask (I hope...god I fear how many of my photos are floating around out there and being used against my knowledge) even if it's just for myspace but especially web-sites or European press. Not only does it make me feel awesome and proud but this is MY business and I am a professional. When I saw that poster last night, at first I was really excited because it was one of my favorite bands using my photography, then it quickly dawned on me that THEY NEVER ASKED. I'm not sure how REAL that poster is...like is it simply something they created for fun (which is not really for fun anymore cause it's on the front page of their web-site) or are my Barcelona friends gonna walk by the venue to have that poster outside?? One of my favorites and I just feel a little taken advantage by them right now. So it's VERY bittersweet. Like I hear nothing from them after I put my pics up on the forum for others to see, after working my ass off on them, and then all of a sudden, six months later, there they are again. Sigh. Seriously people...don't do this. I love music and live shows more than anything. I don't know how to play any instruments, am a horrible singer, don't care about theatre anymore but still need to produce art. I take pictures. In almost every case, I will give you my art. Just don't take it from me.
Ummm...that was a tad more of a rant than I had originally intended. It's also the straw that broke the camels back and I'M CRABBY.
I realized something last night. I take photos for you. I write for me. Neither is more important than the other because they are both art I feel like I have to make. Appreciate or don't but know that it is my insides. I care about them both. And when I care about something to this extent, it means a helluva lot to me.
I guess I'm just sad, too.
I'm sick of being disappointed by people. I'm sick of feeling used, like I can easily be taken advantage of because I am the way I am: funny, independent, anti-confrontational and just generally wanting to have a good time, make nice and make some noise. I never give myself enough credit and have a horrible time taking compliments (though that doesn't mean I don't like to hear them.) Part of what drives me is proving my own insecurities wrong. In my past, I have been told that I'm too fat to do what I want to do with my life (family and a billion kids on the school bus), that I'm a lesbian who watches other girls undress (middle school locker room), that I'm not a good enough writer (teacher), that I'm grasping at straws with my personality (old roommate), that I'm a fair weather friend (girl from the middle school locker room), that I need to see myself as beautiful (mentor), that if I don't take myself seriously, no one else will (second father/mentor.) It was all spread over 26 years, yes, but shit like that has a way of sticking. Some of this has been said by people I would take a bullet for and others who I would sooner leave on the side of the road in a hail storm. No, I'm not the same girl who didn't want to wake up the next day thirteen years ago...I've made some awesome advances with my self-confidence even in the past year. I'm proud to own the Jones. But strength will forever take work. I don't want to be the same person thirteen years from now that I am today. I won't be. Because some song is guaranteed to change my life again.
I guess I just need a break. If I had my choice right now, I would pack up my car and get outta this city, blaring Jungleland and The Temptation of Adam and Rolling and Brother Run Them Down and War Drums and Outfit and Umbrella and The Magician and Radio Nowhere all along the highway, stopping at my home in Kansas City for a few nights, snuggling with my dog and devouring Arthur Bryant's bbq, waking up to the sound of peacocks screaming and running next to the creek, making shrinkie-dinks with Morgie and falling asleep next to her in that amazing bed, catching every Bruce Springsteeen/Jason Isbell/Josh Ritter show in every surrounding state and ending up in the Gospel tent at the New Orleans Jazz and Heritage festival, po'boy in hand and head in the clouds, far away from everything.
Fuck winter, man...it's messing with my mind.
5 comments:
No need to apologize for the bitching and moaning. Your feelings on this subject are totally valid. Just wanted to let you know that!
winter is messing with my head, too. every time i feel a little bit of spring i am reminded that it will get so much better.
totally valid.
We support you. :)
Did you ever let them know how you feel? Have you heard anything back?
call me.
Minneapolis is not a city, more of a town. A cold, miserable, isolated town worthy only of being memorialized by tom waits and the coen bros.
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